♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
You look like you had a fun evening.
I have mints and bottled water back there in case you want to freshen up.
- Thanks. - Bob H is the name.
The open road, the midnight run, that's my business.
You're probably wondering why a retired divorce attorney
is working as a Lyft driver.
I wasn't.
Well, Michelle D...
I recently spent some money that I probably shouldn't have
without asking my husband. So here I am, moonlighting...
Could we maybe please just, like, listen to some music or something?
- Loud and clear. - Thanks.
♪ Over in Killarney ♪
♪ Many years ago ♪
♪ Me mother sang ♪
Where is Frankie?
How could she be late to a meeting in her own house?
Are you new here?
Her usual excuse is there was too much traffic on the stairs.
Doesn't she know about Waze?
Well, she-she's just acting out,
'cause she thinks that I'm pushing her too hard to prepare for Shark Tank.
My work visa is riding on this company's success.
So you two better pull this off
or be prepared to pay for my extreme plastic surgery.
Don't worry. We're not gonna repeat the disaster of our audition.
I refuse to be humiliated in front of millions of people.
Get a load of this!
Bah-bum!
Sorry I'm late.
Ah, but the stairs were a nightmare.
The good news is
I've finished our costumes for Shark Tank.
No.
- I've got another one for you. - No.
It has a popped collar...
No. We are not wearing capes.
We're not vampires, or superheroes, or magicians.
Thanks for rubbing that in.
Look, Shark Tank is a really big deal.
Exactly.
That's why we should stand out.
Just be happy we're not going with my first choice.
- Oh, I don't even want to think about... - Fire!
We're not gonna look like a couple of crazy old ladies
on national television.
That's why they told us to leave the dummy home this time.
- You think there's any wiggle room there? - No!
No dummy, no cape...
no scatting.
So, no toilet dance?
I have just all the luck, right? To be going on national television
with somebody who can't be embarrassed.
It's my superpower, Grace.
When they see the miracle of our toilet, no one will be laughing at us.
Oohing and aahing, yes.
But laughing, no.
Where is the miracle toilet?
It's still in your car, right?
No.
It has to be.
We had it coming back from the casino.
I remember seeing it before we got the...
Flat tire.
Get that toilet!
So, first off, I want to welcome you to the Trust Us family.
Welcome to whatever this is.
There's no reason to be nervous.
I wasn't until you just said that.
Well, he's a CPA, and they frighten easily.
It's Trust Us policy to have all interoffice relationships registered.
Just to make sure everything's consensual
- and to have our butts covered. - Uh, okay. Okay.
This is already a very different work environment
than the one I cultivated.
Okay. Uh, all right.
Are you two, uh, dating, engaged, married, or in a registered domestic partnership?
- Ooh. - I guess... dating.
Dating?
That's a...
No, don't check that.
It's a little casual for someone who held my hand
through the This Is Us season finale.
He's just such a good dad.
We're basically a married couple.
We are?
Uh, do you have a joint bank account? Split rent?
Well, I pay the rent to her.
Brianna owns the house and likes to keep the money separate.
Yeah. He still buys Pogs, and I will not support it.
I just got a Battletoads slammer, so...
I'm guessing you don't have any dependents.
Excuse me. We have a dog.
And friends of mine took my sperm.
I'm putting "no."
So, uh, Barry, uh, how would you define your relationship?
I'd say we're two unwed people who live together
and aren't allowed to eat each other's leftovers.
So I'll put "roommates."
- Okay. - What?
I think we're all set.
Wait. What? No.
- Can I please see what you wrote down? - Uh...
Is that a question mark after "consensual"?
Can you not drive like a maniac?
Can you stop trying to steer?
How could we let this happen?
Well, not to play the blame game,
but I did have to pick Brianna up more than once from field hockey practice
because someone kept forgetting her.
Brianna played field hockey?
Wait, wait, this is the spot! I'm positive!
Stop, stop!
It's not it! Go on. Keep going.
I just think that Jessica and I are ready for the next step.
I'm-I'm gonna ask her to move in together.
And you're sure you're not rushing into things?
When have I ever done that?
When you moved to LA to be with Nadia
and you forgot to tell Nadia that you were moving to LA to be with Nadia.
Yeah, okay. All right. When else?
What about that girl Veronica?
Uh, Veronique was technically a catfish.
And things with Jessica and I are different.
I know we have a future together, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same.
That's great.
All I'm saying is, when you ask her,
go slow and make sure you're on the same page.
Right, Robert?
Brunch ready?
What's wrong with you?
Why do you keep falling asleep?
Because if I'm awake, I have to listen to this conversation.
Your son is a 38-year-old man.
Treat him like one.
Uh, let's not be too hasty.
Oh, I better go get those strawberries you wanted.
Be back in an hour.
An hour? Whole Foods is around the corner.
Right. But the very best strawberries are at this stand by the airport.
I get my strawberries from the Internet.
I know you do, buddy.
Frankie, this is the fourth time we've been up and down this street.
Yes, and this is how we found my earring.
Well, we're not looking for an earring.
We're looking for our toilet.
And our toilet is gone.
Grace.
What?
This is why you're lucky to be partnered with a semi-professional gumshoe.
What is that?
- Grass? - Oh, Watson, you dumb doctor.
No, these!
Toilet tracks! You know what that means, don't you?
That we're two old nutjobs about to track down a runaway toilet?
Shh.
My toilet sense is tingling, and not in the "uh-oh" way.
I'm so glad you got my memo about acting normal.
Wow, Sol, you make a mean hollandaise.
Thank you. It's called "Sollandaise."
See? I told you...
...he was gonna say "Sollandaise."
Sorry, sorry, don't get up. Did I miss anything?
Only the part of brunch where we eat brunch.
It's okay, I'm sure these airport strawberries
I've heard so much about are worth the wait.
Funny story about those strawberries.
I went to get them, right? And, uh...
But, uh, coming home, I... ate them.
You know me.
And voilà.
I cannot believe this actually worked.
Porch swing, begonia toilet planter.
Dollars to doughnuts, this gal makes her own pickles.
Well, that's good for us. Pickle weirdos are usually nice.
Why, thank you.
Is this about that fucking lost dog?
Whoa, hello to you.
Uh, um...
I'm Grace, this is Frankie. And you are...?
Who's asking?
Well, as I just explained, I'm Grace, and... and this is Frank...
Jesus Christ, if it'll shut you up, I'm Viv.
Sorry to interrupt your brining, Viv.
Although I realize now I probably am off the mark there.
But we're here about a lost toilet.
Yeah, and the good news is, we... we found it
right here on your charming porch.
And the bad news is, I don't give a shit.
Yeah, well, we'll pay you for it!
Yeah, like a finder's fee.
I'll take $70,000.
And without the begonias?
You know what, Viv? We were just being polite.
This is our property, and we're gonna take it back. Get the dolly.
Touch my planter and I will end you.
Thanks for your time.
What is it with begonia people...
...that makes them so aggressive?
- That was crazy. - How so?
She was just judging our relationship.
- She was reading questions off a form. - In a fucking tone.
How antediluvian was this Nicole person,
with her heteronormative glasses and her dumb pen? Right?
Wasn't her pen so dumb?
Nothing that was said back there wasn't completely true.
- But I don't feel good about it. - Well, whose fault is that?
It's Nicole's.
Am I not being clear?
We've got to get our baby back.
Did you not see the lady with the green thumb and the baseball bat?
Oh, God. Duck!
Goddess bless, this is our chance.
We take back the night.
No! No, Frankie, what are you doing?
What I was born to do, steal toilets.
Well, we were going to have strawberries and cream for dessert,
but I guess now we'll just be having cream.
I, for one, could not be more excited.
Says the guy with the belly full of strawberries, am I right?
Ooh, sick burn, Jessica.
And an interesting talking point.
Explain to us one more time how the berries ended up in your belly.
As you all know, I love nothing more than a good strawberry.
Lie. You once told me
- fruit doesn't count as dessert. - It doesn't.
So we're to believe that someone so notoriously anti-berry
would suddenly eat all those berries?
Unless there were no berries.
- I mean, I am locked in. - Yeah.
Would it be fair to say that you have a history
of eating secret fast food in your car?
I have driven through some places, sure. Who hasn't?
And what place did you drive through today?
McDonald's? Taco Bell?
Not Yoshinoya Beef Bowl!
Excuse me. I have cream to whip.
That's why you have all those mints in your car.
To hide your burger breath!
Do we have to keep talking about my eating habits
when people here have more important things to discuss?
Are we the people who have more important things to discuss?
Uh...
Oh, we gotta go faster. That lunatic could come home any minute.
Let her come. I've got an unopened can of whoop-ass...
...burning a hole in my pocket.
Oh.
Damn!
Sweet sexy Santa, it's stuck!
What are we gonna do?
Put your hands in the air and step away from the toilet.
You are not being singled out. No one is allowed to keep a bird at work.
Okay. Hi. Pigeon lady? Out. Time's up. Go.
Oh, Brianna. I'm glad you stopped by. I was actually going to...
No, no, no. I have to talk to you.
Okay. What about?
Just want to make clear, Barry and I are rock-solid.
I didn't say you weren't.
Mmm, yeah-huh, you kind of did.
Uh, Brianna, the most important thing to keep in mind here is
I super don't care about your relationship.
Great. Then you won't mind correcting that form and making it read "rock-solid."
Yep. Sure.
And done.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Great.
And what was it that you want to talk to me about?
Oh, right. This.
It's an offer from Taneth.
For a promotion.
You would still supervise Say Grace, plus a few subsidiaries.
Uh, and you get your own bathroom.
Is this bathroom in San Francisco?
Yes.
With the job.
Oh.
Officers, this isn't what it looks like.
You're not stealing a toilet?
I guess it is what it looks like.
We didn't steal it.
The woman that lives over there stole it from us.
We know all about Viv.
Uh, if you know Viv,
you'd know that she hates it when people touch her begonias.
Yeah, we just need our property back.
Are these stolen SIM cards your property, too?
Don't resist, Grace.
Don't give these brutes a reason.
Okay, um...
So, I just kind of wanted to check in
and see where we're at.
Seems like we're at a brunch with two guys who talk a lot about strawberries.
Yeah, they do.
But, um... I meant...
uh, where we are with the relationship.
Oh.
Oh!
I-I just want to make sure we're on the same page.
Sure.
Yes!
If you want to. I'm sorry.
These kind of conversations make me really nervous.
Me, too. I mean, um...
Okay, how about this?
I'll count to three.
You say what you're looking for, and I'll say what I'm looking for.
Okay.
- One, two, three. Moving in together. - Marriage.
Wait, what?
Let's try that again. I didn't understand the rules.
- Yeah. Me neither. - Okay.
One, two, three.
- Marriage. - Moving in together.
Best two out of three?
Okay.
If that doesn't work, we could try four out of six.
Cool.
I think it's clear by now we don't even know what SIM cards are.
This is not my first tango with the fuzz. Let me do the talking.
- Yeah, but I've got... - Shh, shh.
I'm gonna lay this out for you plain and simple.
We are business ladies.
We did vaginal lube, we did vibrators, and now we do toilets.
Didn't see that coming.
And we're taking this little puppy here on Shark Tank.
Okay, we're free to go.
That's what we say. And you're not.
Here's the problem, ladies. We knew these were supposed to move today.
- And here you are moving them. - No, we were moving the toilet.
Oh, right, the one you're taking on Shark Tank.
Yes!
Because this is a special toilet we invented,
when she got stuck on the can
and didn't want her much younger husband to find out.
- He's a billionaire. - Uh-huh.
So we knew we needed to make something
to replace her pulley-system with the statue,
because it got sent to the president of Uruguay.
Here. This is how it works.
It works better with my dummy.
Okay, Frankie, let me do the talking now.
I know that everything that came out of her mouth sounded totally insane.
- Yeah. - But in her defense, it's true.
It-It is true.
We got a flat tire coming back from... from the, uh, Shark Tank audition.
We left our prototype on the road.
Viv found it and used it to... to hide her SIM cards.
- Look. Here. - Ah-ah-ah.
Whoa.
Well, look in my purse.
You'll... You'll find the release forms from Shark Tank.
Oh, and our business card
which shows that we make lubes and vibrators and soon-to-be toilets.
It checks out.
I'll be damned. So you are really going on Shark Tank.
- Yes. - Was I unclear before, copper?
Remember?
Oh, God.
Well, when you go on Shark Tank,
you might want to leave this one at home.
Mm-hmm.
Where's Jessica?
Uh, she's in the ladies' room, trying out Mom's invention.
Hey, I wanted to thank you for forcing an important discussion earlier.
Sorry about that, but your father was on the warpath.
I'm still on the warpath.
It's okay. It actually turned out really well, I think.
- What do you mean? - Well, we're either moving in together
or getting married, or some combination of the two.
I'm not sure in which order or if any of it's really happening.
The point is, we're on the same page.
You're on the same page about not having any idea what you're doing?
- Yes. - That's par for the course
in most relationships.
Well, that was fun.
Ooh, is that Wheat Thins and cream?
I'm afraid so.
I'm gonna call us a Lyft.
Thank you so much for brunch. You guys are awesome.
Found. Great.
Oh, wow, our driver is...
zero minutes away. Great.
Huh.
He just canceled.
- We have two old bikes in the garage. - No, let me try. Um...
All right, set pickup location.
Huh.
Same guy. Zero minutes away.
You know, I think one of our neighbors could be a Lyft driver.
Mr. Purcelli.
Didn't he recently buy all those heirloom rose bushes?
Where did that windfall come from?
Hmm.
Did somebody put something in the microwave?
Robert, are you a Lyft driver named Bob H?
- Barry. - Hey.
I have some very exciting news.
Oh, Linda gets to bring her bird to work?
No.
But remember how you were complaining
about how you live in my house, and you only have one shelf in the closet?
I didn't mention my shelf, but, yeah.
What if we were to get a new place with two closets?
Well, we actually have two closets. You just won't let me use...
Okay, fine, three closets. Whatever.
Yeah, and getting a new place together would be nice.
- Right? - Yeah.
And what if it were in beautiful San Francisco?
Why San Francisco?
Because you love sourdough bread.
And because Trust Us offered me a sweet new gig there, and I took it.
- What? - And don't worry,
I'll hook you up with a job. I'm going to be in charge
of a lot of subsidiaries, whatever that means.
- In San Francisco. - Mm-hmm.
I can't believe you did this.
I know.
I mean, look at me, I'm really thinking about our future.
You mean your future.
- What? No. - Yeah, I'm not going to San Francisco.
But the bread...
I don't even eat bread anymore. You won't let me.
That's because when you eat bread, I want to eat bread, and I'm not eating bread.
Liz and Erin are having their baby, and I want to be around,
which you'd know if you actually talked about our future with me.
Robert, is there something you'd like to say to me?
I'm going to level with you.
I don't think those two kids are going to make it.
I was thinking more about your secret driving profession.
Oh, that.
Yeah, so, uh, what do you want to know?
How about we start with everything?
Okay, fine.
It all started when the theater went down.
Robert, I'm sorry we couldn't give the money.
I know, but I really miss it.
You know, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd.
But you know what I really miss?
- The camaraderie. - Of course.
That makes perfect sense.
But what doesn't make any sense is why you're driving a car for money.
You're not an actor, Sol.
You don't understand that giving an audience an experience it's never had
is the same thrill as driving someone you've never met to Sav-on.
I really don't understand that.
Which is why I couldn't tell you.
But...
if it's excitement you want, and camaraderie,
how about we go on the honeymoon we never got to have?
Like a cruise.
I'm not sure a fancy cruise...
I know it's no trip with a stranger to Sav-on.
But it ticks all the boxes.
Meeting new people, going new places,
and if that's not thrilling enough,
are you aware of the term "midnight buffet"?
It was my nickname in college.
Well, dust off the elastic waist.
We're going...
first-class all the way.
If you've got the money, spend it.
- What are you doing? - I'm throwing away the stupid capes.
Okay. I'm-I'm glad we're not wearing them on Shark Tank.
You could still wear yours to run errands.
I've already got an errand cape.
And I'm not going on Shark Tank.
Excuse me?
You heard what that cop said about me.
Since when do you listen to cops?
Since they started saying exactly what you've been worried about,
that everyone out there in TV land
will see us as doddering old fools talking about a potty.
I admit that I have worried about that.
But it's my job in this partnership to worry.
Well, you don't have to anymore, because we are not the joke. I am.
Oh, Frankie, you're not a joke.
I just don't want to be some kind of sideshow.
I'll just get in the way.
You came up with this.
You are the way. I'm not gonna go there alone.
Butch doesn't go out there without Sundance.
And the last time they went out together, they were blown to pieces.
Oh, God. Listen.
Ever since you and I became you and me,
we've done a lot of crazy shit,
but we've always done it together.
And it's turned out pretty damn well.
You know? And we always have the last laugh.
'Cause one of us is a mad genius, and the other one is really smart.
I'm the mad genius, right?
Right.
So get the damn capes out of the trash,
'cause we are going on Shark Tank.
Oh, shit. That was good stuff, woman. I have goose bumps.
You know what?
You are just first-rate, kid. I'm not kidding.
You're first-rate too, Frankie.
Are you gonna really wear the cape?
Fuck, no.
Okay, good night!